saddness

Been awhile I see

I will take that as a good thing that I havent needed to vent :)

Sadness at times can overwhelm me. Whether it is of my own making. My own thoughts. Do I imagine things to make me sad.

I miss my ex friend so fucking much I cant stand it. Its been almost 4 years since our 'split'  and I know that we could be friends again if our husbands could get over their selves. We likely would never be best friends again but at least she would be in my life again.
^^^^^this is all bothering me because she is getting married tomorrow. She was the one who stood for me at my wedding :( I was supposed to be there for her.  Her signature adorns my marriage certificate. Mine was supposed to be on hers.

Must get the fuck over it!

My step brother is getting married tomorrow. ........ my sisters are together and there with him and having an amazing time

I was not invited :(
I know it wasnt malicious or even intentional honestly. But me being me. Sensitive ass and

Sad!

Seriously,
I really need to get over myself :(

Birthdays

I am big on birthdays, overboard crazy big

It's a special day, it's the only day of the whole year that is yours and yours alone

As usual memories of birthdays are scarce. I actually do not remember any birthdays at all except my 11th or 12th and, that is not a fond memory.....................

I throw my kids huge elaborate parties, fun food, fun games, gift bags for their friends. The whole thing.  I make sure it is special.

On your birthday I want you to feel special.

In my family kids or husband, on your day I make anything you want for dinner, doesnt matter what it is, it's yours

Husband I always put immense thought into his gift, and make his dinner special, I get him a cake or cupcakes. Anything to make him feel special.

WHY cant I have that feeling on my birthday? I am so damn sad that I dont get anything even remotely close in return. Nothing.
Shit, I talked to my Mom and she didnt even say Happy Birthday.
I am just really fucking sad man.

Death

I am now almost 33 years old and have never lost anybody close to me.

I never had grandparents, so still don't quite grasp that connection and relationship.

I recall when my husband's grandpa passed away, it was only the 2nd time I'd seen him cry. Our daughter's birth being the first.

Today his grandma passed, I have known this woman, have loved this woman. Why do I still not grasp the grief ?
Am I broken? Am I heartless?
Not sure what to be feeling right now.

And, now having to tell my daughter is going to be so damn hard...........

My husband is quiet and heartbroken, I feel so broken for him, for his Mom, for all his family

Sad day

mature

I remember 9 years old starting my monthly cycles.
I freaked out.
Had no idea what was happening, no idea this was a normal thing.
I truly thought I was dying.  Why else would blood be coming out of me 'there'

Sister was there, mom was at work.  Sister hadn't even started her period and she was 11.  But, she had had health classes so knew what was happening.
Scared is the only way I can describe my feelings.

Since I started so young I figured my daughter would.  So, I have discussed it with her many times.  She started 'developing' last year some time so was expecting it soon.

Well, yesterday it came.  I was at work, she was home with her Dad.  My smart mature girl, changed and found a pad and handled herself so well.

So proud that she was able to calmly take care of it as we talked about.

Now, I did have to explain to her the sticky side.  She put the pad in without removing the back :)

Traditions again.....

Im an athiest

Not ashamed, just who I am.  Have not believed in god as long as I can remember.

Christmas is a very big deal to me, growing up shitty poor we didn't always have much.  But, my mom did try to have traditions.  Even small ones.  Jammies to open on xmas eve, an orange in my stocking.  Simple stuff

I try so damn hard to have traditions with my kids.  Jammies on xmas eve :) toothbrush in the stockings. Fun crafts, cookies to bake, santa visits, tree lighting.  I do everything in my power to make it special for them.

I don't think I have to believe in god to enjoy a holiday.  I understand what it means to christians, I respect that it means that to them.

Why do I have to feel belittled an shit on because I do not celebrate the birth of jesus (which isn't even really on Dec 25)

Happy fucking merry love christmas

My kids I hope will remember that I do all this for them no matter the jesus aspect

Friends

Friends...................
I dont have many. I had a few close friends growing up, I am only friends with one now and not at all close.

I had a best friend from 8 years old until my 20's. She is now an alcoholic drug addict that wont accept help :(

I had another 'best' friend from 21-30 she was awesome and loved her to pieces, miss her terribly now. No longer friends :( We would talk every day numerous times, she was there when my son was born. I was there when her first 2 boys were born. She signed my marriage certificate. Breaks my fucking heart that it's all over now

I crave friendship, I try so hard to have friends. I have lots of 'friends' but dont have any I would call close :(
I get randomly sad and jealous when friends hang together but dont invite me. I am way too sensitive with this stuff

My one friend that I thought to be close isnt speaking to me really, and I dont know why? I am really disturbed and sad and trying so fucking hard to find out why.

Traditions

I wonder at times if I push 'fun' holiday events on my kids....
I never had the fun holiday traditions, whether it be pumpkin carving, or pumpkin patch, or going into Christmas with those traditions.

We didn't really have any of that as a kid, I don't remember ever carving pumpkins actually.....

My kids seem to somewhat enjoy the stuff, but do they really? Or are they only doing it because of me?  I think of this often.

Pictures are another one for me. I don't have any pictures of me as a kid. There are a few school ones, and maybe 2 or 3 others, but that's it.  We didn't have professional ones until i was well into high school and I think I set them up.

My kids have their pictures taken professionally at least once a year. Some times more for holidays and such.
J hates it, absolutely hates her pictures taken. But, I make her do it. I feel like she will appreciate it later on? Damn I hope so

Equals

What does it mean to be equals?
Its an interesting thing I am working on lately. In relationships, in business in life itself.

I hope to figure this out and have a happy medium somewhere.

home?

We moved here when I was 8. We moved to 2 hours away when I was 11. Then another hour away at 12ish. Then I moved with a family member at 13.  Then back here again and for good.

At 11 when we moved. Sister had already moved out on her own even though she was 13. She found friends that took her in and all was good..........
We lived in a tent, then a camper in someone's yard  then we moved 'home' again.

At 13 I moved in with a family member. Mom amd her husband had split for now I figure as they always went back and she still drank constantly.  I was certain this was it  stability, comfort, discipline, love.
What I got was not any of that. I learned what pot was. I learned girls are inferior and men were the bosses  I learned again that men liked to touch girls.....
So, I guess it is normal for a man/father figures to touch the girls.

I was 13 and hugely crushing on family members boyfriend. He lived there also he was so fucking nice. Always there for me  and always touching me. It became pretty intense sexualy. As far as possible without actual sex.
I thought for sure he had to love me. why else would he want me so much. This continued the entire year I lived there. daily, I would get up with him in the morning, run to the store with him, we did anything possible to be alone.

Yeah........I moved back 'home' at the end of 8th grade year.
Started to figure shit out  mom had kept her for sure promise of no ex huz coming back. she still drank more than should be possible.
So, as I realize these 'men' touching me was not normal and so fucking wrong
I tell mom about ex huz  3 years of it from him. A small child. Being told this is what daddy's do. Dont tell or I will hurt your mom and sister...she says I must have misunderstood. he never would have done that. So, again someone else is chosen over me in moms eyes. How the hell can she not believe me. He is gone and still running her. she asks why I never told her before. Why wait so long. Hes been gone a year. wow. ok. I guess thats that........  thanks mom..

Then, I decide I should call family member and tell her about her boyfriend. nope not possible he is a god fearing man. He loves her  he would never touch a child. I must be so fucked up I made all this up for attention.....

Well alrighty then. anyone else want to dismiss me......

Uh yeah

ick

Work, as usual. I am always at work.....

Power was out most the day today which makes work worse of course

And now, I just feel sick, icky sick. Stomach achy, headache all of the general yuckies.

Just wanted to whine

work

Well shit, it's obviously my fault that a job came in and you have to go do it.
Couldnt possibly be anyone elses.

Sorry about that running the business shit I do...................

storms

I love storms, all about them.  The wind the rain the lightning the thunder....

Last night we had take out for dinner, then had movie night. Watched Dumbo and ate popcorn. Was great. The kids loved it, was relaxing. Listening to the rain and the wind. Had a fire going. L snuggled up on my lap, J playing with my hair.

Peace.

Where I live storms are a very frequent occurrence .Hurricane force winds without the hurricane :)

Another memory as this diary thing is working so far.......

Around 10 or 11 years old, Mom's boyfriend, (spoke of him in earlier post) and her get drunk as all hell.  (normal) He decided to flip his shit and accuse her of cheating on him. We live in a trailer park at the time. It is raging storm outside, raining buckets, thunder, the whole 9 yards.
So, in his drunken fit with my mom, he hits her and kicks her and screams yells all that fun stuff I was used to at this point.  So, I run to neighbors and have them call the cops and the crazy fuck comes out with a gun!  So I run for my mom because I am a scared little girl.
I remember I was wearing scooby doo jammies, sister was at my uncles so I didn't have her as I normally would.  Mom tells me to get the fuck away from her.......
Mom is yelling, he is yelling thunder, rain. Then I hear the cop car coming. So I run that way and the bastard shoots at me.  Yeah he really did.
So, I am put in cop car and the cops are calming him, taking the gun.  I don't remember much after that, I couldn't hear any more, couldn't really see anything.

Then......my mom doesn't press charges, he gets a ticket for drunken disturbance or something like that.
I go to stay at my uncles.

It's like it never happened, I remember mom saying it wasn't his fault he never would have really shot me, he didn't mean to hit and kick her.........

J

Tonight my kid made me smile so much.
I cant imagine the little person she is becoming.

J is just a little lady. Through all the drama and shit she stirs

Tonight she just sat on the couch with me coloring pictures. the little things are so big. You don't realize how big they are.  So, we sat and colored for awhile then she 'did' my hair. She talked about school and how she is liking math more this year. About cheer that is coming this week

Then she fought with her brother and all was lost.

Star Over

So, when we first moved here I was 8 years old. Getting ready to start 3rd grade.
I had been to around 8 schools in the previous year, this was supposed to be our settle down place. i was excited.
Mom had told us we were moving to get away from it all and to start over.
I was as excited as an 8 year old could be.
We packed up our lives into a couple trucks with my uncle coming along too. He and my Mom were always close, but we hadn't really spent a lot of time with him.

I remember when we got here, we found a small trailer park.  Nothing much about it, I remember living there for a little while. a few months maybe. I can recall sister and I catching the school bus from the back of the park, we played on the trees. I know there were these neighbor boys that lived a few streets over that we would play with in the lot next door.  We had a tree fort type thing set up and we would jump out of it onto a mattress on the ground.

I do have a few good memories :)

Then we moved to the north end as it is known.............

My Mom had 'met' a guy at the bar one night and he said he managed a trailer park so, of course she jumped at the chance to move with him.............
I will forever remember that first day looking at that trailer and thinking oh this will be great :(

For the next 4 or 5 years we lived in the park, my Mom "fell in love' with said guy.  Cycled right back to where we were in the last town.
Bars every night, being home alone 90% of the time. My life as I knew it.

So that is what I consider one of the absolute worst times in my life is meeting that evil piece of shit that my Mom 'loved'
ruined my life

sensitive?

Wife -
     So, if I skip my workout class tonight, will you show me attention. Show me that you love me?
Huz -
     I do
Wife -
     I know you do, I want you to show me......
Huz -
     Your never home........your gone 4 or 5 nights a week....
Wife -
     Uhhh, twice a week.  2 nights I go to workout.  You've been in the garage every night this week.
So, back to original question. Will you?
Huz -
     I'm sure someone will be stopping by...........




Really dude. I mean really?

hmmm

So, was just thinking again about memories..........................
I really wish I had more, and better ones.  I try and think of some warm and fuzzy things that happened as a kid and I just cant.

I remember when I got bit by a dog when I was 5.  I was playing on the porch of a laundry-mat with a whistle.  There was a dog that was always there. A golden retriever.  I know I blew that whistle in the dogs ear. I can see myself doing this in my mind.  The dog snapped and bit me...right in the eye.  Mom came out screaming and yelling. Now as a mother I cant even grasp what she thought. I'm sure I was covered in blood all over my face.  I remember her flagging down a passing car, that took us to the hospital.

That's the last I recall until little snippets of hospitals and home care.

I remember after a surgery being in my cousins bed all snuggled up and her bringing me snowball. You remember those? Coconut covered puff stuff.  Loved those :)

I remember playing slug-bug with my mom outside the hospital after one trip. I loved that game and really never got much play form mom so I remember that one intensely.

I remember I had a teddy bear. I named him Dominick. The nurses took him and put a patch on his eye just like mine. I carried that damn bear everywhere with me.

I will keep trying to get some memories, some good ones.  I'm sure there are some in there. There has to be......

Those are a few I can recall, I do remember those being good.  I wish I could remember something a bit more substantial though.

Night

Warned ya...... diary like

So,
Huz is cranky and distant like. Nothing overly worrisome as we go through random phases. I cant seem to get him to understand my need for affection. Hugs, kisses. Holding hands. Random loving

Non sexual attention. He is always all about the sex
I can take it or leave it most the time when it comes to sex
I have made a huge conscious effort with this though.

So when I 'offer' it up :) I am far too sensitive when denied

I go and workout twice a week. other than that I am always home. we do have to find different times for sex as kids share a fucking bedroom with us (future post)  he has spent pretty much every night in the garage until after kids are in bed.
Offer again tonight and he decides to mow the damn lawn.......

Ehhh whatever I guess.

Memories...........

So, now that the introduction bullshit is out of the way..............

I'm not sure where to start, I will go with a memory for today.

One of my first memories ever, I was around 5 years old, couldn't of been more as I hadn't had my dog bite on eye yet (later blog post I'm sure)

My Mom worked at a bar, cooking I think. She was always a cook, she always worked at a bar.  My sister and I (2 years older than me) were home alone, this was normal.  Someone knocked on the door and sister answered it.  It was a guy mom had brought home before.  He was drunk asking where mom was. I remember the smell. That nasty nasty whiskey smell.

I remember next mom getting home and he was there in the bedroom with me............
She was drunk...........normal.  She just told me to put my pants on and go to bed.  So I did.
I curled up in sister's bed and went to sleep.

And that was that. My earliest childhood memory.

Hmmmm, beginnings............

I'm not sure why I want to write this. I'm not sure if it's good to write this.  I'm hoping it will be almost therapeutic for me, a diary of sorts....

I guess I will use this as a place to write memories of mine. the good and mostly bad...
I will use it to bitch about my husband :)
and my kids

I hope to use it to compliment them also.

Alright....here we go

I am 32 years old, married to C, have 2 awesome kids.

J is 10 and L is 4.
Live in a tiny ass town you've never heard of, work at a family business.

Basics are done