saddness

Been awhile I see

I will take that as a good thing that I havent needed to vent :)

Sadness at times can overwhelm me. Whether it is of my own making. My own thoughts. Do I imagine things to make me sad.

I miss my ex friend so fucking much I cant stand it. Its been almost 4 years since our 'split'  and I know that we could be friends again if our husbands could get over their selves. We likely would never be best friends again but at least she would be in my life again.
^^^^^this is all bothering me because she is getting married tomorrow. She was the one who stood for me at my wedding :( I was supposed to be there for her.  Her signature adorns my marriage certificate. Mine was supposed to be on hers.

Must get the fuck over it!

My step brother is getting married tomorrow. ........ my sisters are together and there with him and having an amazing time

I was not invited :(
I know it wasnt malicious or even intentional honestly. But me being me. Sensitive ass and

Sad!

Seriously,
I really need to get over myself :(

Birthdays

I am big on birthdays, overboard crazy big

It's a special day, it's the only day of the whole year that is yours and yours alone

As usual memories of birthdays are scarce. I actually do not remember any birthdays at all except my 11th or 12th and, that is not a fond memory.....................

I throw my kids huge elaborate parties, fun food, fun games, gift bags for their friends. The whole thing.  I make sure it is special.

On your birthday I want you to feel special.

In my family kids or husband, on your day I make anything you want for dinner, doesnt matter what it is, it's yours

Husband I always put immense thought into his gift, and make his dinner special, I get him a cake or cupcakes. Anything to make him feel special.

WHY cant I have that feeling on my birthday? I am so damn sad that I dont get anything even remotely close in return. Nothing.
Shit, I talked to my Mom and she didnt even say Happy Birthday.
I am just really fucking sad man.

Death

I am now almost 33 years old and have never lost anybody close to me.

I never had grandparents, so still don't quite grasp that connection and relationship.

I recall when my husband's grandpa passed away, it was only the 2nd time I'd seen him cry. Our daughter's birth being the first.

Today his grandma passed, I have known this woman, have loved this woman. Why do I still not grasp the grief ?
Am I broken? Am I heartless?
Not sure what to be feeling right now.

And, now having to tell my daughter is going to be so damn hard...........

My husband is quiet and heartbroken, I feel so broken for him, for his Mom, for all his family

Sad day

mature

I remember 9 years old starting my monthly cycles.
I freaked out.
Had no idea what was happening, no idea this was a normal thing.
I truly thought I was dying.  Why else would blood be coming out of me 'there'

Sister was there, mom was at work.  Sister hadn't even started her period and she was 11.  But, she had had health classes so knew what was happening.
Scared is the only way I can describe my feelings.

Since I started so young I figured my daughter would.  So, I have discussed it with her many times.  She started 'developing' last year some time so was expecting it soon.

Well, yesterday it came.  I was at work, she was home with her Dad.  My smart mature girl, changed and found a pad and handled herself so well.

So proud that she was able to calmly take care of it as we talked about.

Now, I did have to explain to her the sticky side.  She put the pad in without removing the back :)

Traditions again.....

Im an athiest

Not ashamed, just who I am.  Have not believed in god as long as I can remember.

Christmas is a very big deal to me, growing up shitty poor we didn't always have much.  But, my mom did try to have traditions.  Even small ones.  Jammies to open on xmas eve, an orange in my stocking.  Simple stuff

I try so damn hard to have traditions with my kids.  Jammies on xmas eve :) toothbrush in the stockings. Fun crafts, cookies to bake, santa visits, tree lighting.  I do everything in my power to make it special for them.

I don't think I have to believe in god to enjoy a holiday.  I understand what it means to christians, I respect that it means that to them.

Why do I have to feel belittled an shit on because I do not celebrate the birth of jesus (which isn't even really on Dec 25)

Happy fucking merry love christmas

My kids I hope will remember that I do all this for them no matter the jesus aspect

Friends

Friends...................
I dont have many. I had a few close friends growing up, I am only friends with one now and not at all close.

I had a best friend from 8 years old until my 20's. She is now an alcoholic drug addict that wont accept help :(

I had another 'best' friend from 21-30 she was awesome and loved her to pieces, miss her terribly now. No longer friends :( We would talk every day numerous times, she was there when my son was born. I was there when her first 2 boys were born. She signed my marriage certificate. Breaks my fucking heart that it's all over now

I crave friendship, I try so hard to have friends. I have lots of 'friends' but dont have any I would call close :(
I get randomly sad and jealous when friends hang together but dont invite me. I am way too sensitive with this stuff

My one friend that I thought to be close isnt speaking to me really, and I dont know why? I am really disturbed and sad and trying so fucking hard to find out why.

Traditions

I wonder at times if I push 'fun' holiday events on my kids....
I never had the fun holiday traditions, whether it be pumpkin carving, or pumpkin patch, or going into Christmas with those traditions.

We didn't really have any of that as a kid, I don't remember ever carving pumpkins actually.....

My kids seem to somewhat enjoy the stuff, but do they really? Or are they only doing it because of me?  I think of this often.

Pictures are another one for me. I don't have any pictures of me as a kid. There are a few school ones, and maybe 2 or 3 others, but that's it.  We didn't have professional ones until i was well into high school and I think I set them up.

My kids have their pictures taken professionally at least once a year. Some times more for holidays and such.
J hates it, absolutely hates her pictures taken. But, I make her do it. I feel like she will appreciate it later on? Damn I hope so