Traditions

I wonder at times if I push 'fun' holiday events on my kids....
I never had the fun holiday traditions, whether it be pumpkin carving, or pumpkin patch, or going into Christmas with those traditions.

We didn't really have any of that as a kid, I don't remember ever carving pumpkins actually.....

My kids seem to somewhat enjoy the stuff, but do they really? Or are they only doing it because of me?  I think of this often.

Pictures are another one for me. I don't have any pictures of me as a kid. There are a few school ones, and maybe 2 or 3 others, but that's it.  We didn't have professional ones until i was well into high school and I think I set them up.

My kids have their pictures taken professionally at least once a year. Some times more for holidays and such.
J hates it, absolutely hates her pictures taken. But, I make her do it. I feel like she will appreciate it later on? Damn I hope so

Equals

What does it mean to be equals?
Its an interesting thing I am working on lately. In relationships, in business in life itself.

I hope to figure this out and have a happy medium somewhere.

home?

We moved here when I was 8. We moved to 2 hours away when I was 11. Then another hour away at 12ish. Then I moved with a family member at 13.  Then back here again and for good.

At 11 when we moved. Sister had already moved out on her own even though she was 13. She found friends that took her in and all was good..........
We lived in a tent, then a camper in someone's yard  then we moved 'home' again.

At 13 I moved in with a family member. Mom amd her husband had split for now I figure as they always went back and she still drank constantly.  I was certain this was it  stability, comfort, discipline, love.
What I got was not any of that. I learned what pot was. I learned girls are inferior and men were the bosses  I learned again that men liked to touch girls.....
So, I guess it is normal for a man/father figures to touch the girls.

I was 13 and hugely crushing on family members boyfriend. He lived there also he was so fucking nice. Always there for me  and always touching me. It became pretty intense sexualy. As far as possible without actual sex.
I thought for sure he had to love me. why else would he want me so much. This continued the entire year I lived there. daily, I would get up with him in the morning, run to the store with him, we did anything possible to be alone.

Yeah........I moved back 'home' at the end of 8th grade year.
Started to figure shit out  mom had kept her for sure promise of no ex huz coming back. she still drank more than should be possible.
So, as I realize these 'men' touching me was not normal and so fucking wrong
I tell mom about ex huz  3 years of it from him. A small child. Being told this is what daddy's do. Dont tell or I will hurt your mom and sister...she says I must have misunderstood. he never would have done that. So, again someone else is chosen over me in moms eyes. How the hell can she not believe me. He is gone and still running her. she asks why I never told her before. Why wait so long. Hes been gone a year. wow. ok. I guess thats that........  thanks mom..

Then, I decide I should call family member and tell her about her boyfriend. nope not possible he is a god fearing man. He loves her  he would never touch a child. I must be so fucked up I made all this up for attention.....

Well alrighty then. anyone else want to dismiss me......

Uh yeah

ick

Work, as usual. I am always at work.....

Power was out most the day today which makes work worse of course

And now, I just feel sick, icky sick. Stomach achy, headache all of the general yuckies.

Just wanted to whine

work

Well shit, it's obviously my fault that a job came in and you have to go do it.
Couldnt possibly be anyone elses.

Sorry about that running the business shit I do...................

storms

I love storms, all about them.  The wind the rain the lightning the thunder....

Last night we had take out for dinner, then had movie night. Watched Dumbo and ate popcorn. Was great. The kids loved it, was relaxing. Listening to the rain and the wind. Had a fire going. L snuggled up on my lap, J playing with my hair.

Peace.

Where I live storms are a very frequent occurrence .Hurricane force winds without the hurricane :)

Another memory as this diary thing is working so far.......

Around 10 or 11 years old, Mom's boyfriend, (spoke of him in earlier post) and her get drunk as all hell.  (normal) He decided to flip his shit and accuse her of cheating on him. We live in a trailer park at the time. It is raging storm outside, raining buckets, thunder, the whole 9 yards.
So, in his drunken fit with my mom, he hits her and kicks her and screams yells all that fun stuff I was used to at this point.  So, I run to neighbors and have them call the cops and the crazy fuck comes out with a gun!  So I run for my mom because I am a scared little girl.
I remember I was wearing scooby doo jammies, sister was at my uncles so I didn't have her as I normally would.  Mom tells me to get the fuck away from her.......
Mom is yelling, he is yelling thunder, rain. Then I hear the cop car coming. So I run that way and the bastard shoots at me.  Yeah he really did.
So, I am put in cop car and the cops are calming him, taking the gun.  I don't remember much after that, I couldn't hear any more, couldn't really see anything.

Then......my mom doesn't press charges, he gets a ticket for drunken disturbance or something like that.
I go to stay at my uncles.

It's like it never happened, I remember mom saying it wasn't his fault he never would have really shot me, he didn't mean to hit and kick her.........

J

Tonight my kid made me smile so much.
I cant imagine the little person she is becoming.

J is just a little lady. Through all the drama and shit she stirs

Tonight she just sat on the couch with me coloring pictures. the little things are so big. You don't realize how big they are.  So, we sat and colored for awhile then she 'did' my hair. She talked about school and how she is liking math more this year. About cheer that is coming this week

Then she fought with her brother and all was lost.