Traditions again.....

Im an athiest

Not ashamed, just who I am.  Have not believed in god as long as I can remember.

Christmas is a very big deal to me, growing up shitty poor we didn't always have much.  But, my mom did try to have traditions.  Even small ones.  Jammies to open on xmas eve, an orange in my stocking.  Simple stuff

I try so damn hard to have traditions with my kids.  Jammies on xmas eve :) toothbrush in the stockings. Fun crafts, cookies to bake, santa visits, tree lighting.  I do everything in my power to make it special for them.

I don't think I have to believe in god to enjoy a holiday.  I understand what it means to christians, I respect that it means that to them.

Why do I have to feel belittled an shit on because I do not celebrate the birth of jesus (which isn't even really on Dec 25)

Happy fucking merry love christmas

My kids I hope will remember that I do all this for them no matter the jesus aspect

Friends

Friends...................
I dont have many. I had a few close friends growing up, I am only friends with one now and not at all close.

I had a best friend from 8 years old until my 20's. She is now an alcoholic drug addict that wont accept help :(

I had another 'best' friend from 21-30 she was awesome and loved her to pieces, miss her terribly now. No longer friends :( We would talk every day numerous times, she was there when my son was born. I was there when her first 2 boys were born. She signed my marriage certificate. Breaks my fucking heart that it's all over now

I crave friendship, I try so hard to have friends. I have lots of 'friends' but dont have any I would call close :(
I get randomly sad and jealous when friends hang together but dont invite me. I am way too sensitive with this stuff

My one friend that I thought to be close isnt speaking to me really, and I dont know why? I am really disturbed and sad and trying so fucking hard to find out why.

Traditions

I wonder at times if I push 'fun' holiday events on my kids....
I never had the fun holiday traditions, whether it be pumpkin carving, or pumpkin patch, or going into Christmas with those traditions.

We didn't really have any of that as a kid, I don't remember ever carving pumpkins actually.....

My kids seem to somewhat enjoy the stuff, but do they really? Or are they only doing it because of me?  I think of this often.

Pictures are another one for me. I don't have any pictures of me as a kid. There are a few school ones, and maybe 2 or 3 others, but that's it.  We didn't have professional ones until i was well into high school and I think I set them up.

My kids have their pictures taken professionally at least once a year. Some times more for holidays and such.
J hates it, absolutely hates her pictures taken. But, I make her do it. I feel like she will appreciate it later on? Damn I hope so

Equals

What does it mean to be equals?
Its an interesting thing I am working on lately. In relationships, in business in life itself.

I hope to figure this out and have a happy medium somewhere.

home?

We moved here when I was 8. We moved to 2 hours away when I was 11. Then another hour away at 12ish. Then I moved with a family member at 13.  Then back here again and for good.

At 11 when we moved. Sister had already moved out on her own even though she was 13. She found friends that took her in and all was good..........
We lived in a tent, then a camper in someone's yard  then we moved 'home' again.

At 13 I moved in with a family member. Mom amd her husband had split for now I figure as they always went back and she still drank constantly.  I was certain this was it  stability, comfort, discipline, love.
What I got was not any of that. I learned what pot was. I learned girls are inferior and men were the bosses  I learned again that men liked to touch girls.....
So, I guess it is normal for a man/father figures to touch the girls.

I was 13 and hugely crushing on family members boyfriend. He lived there also he was so fucking nice. Always there for me  and always touching me. It became pretty intense sexualy. As far as possible without actual sex.
I thought for sure he had to love me. why else would he want me so much. This continued the entire year I lived there. daily, I would get up with him in the morning, run to the store with him, we did anything possible to be alone.

Yeah........I moved back 'home' at the end of 8th grade year.
Started to figure shit out  mom had kept her for sure promise of no ex huz coming back. she still drank more than should be possible.
So, as I realize these 'men' touching me was not normal and so fucking wrong
I tell mom about ex huz  3 years of it from him. A small child. Being told this is what daddy's do. Dont tell or I will hurt your mom and sister...she says I must have misunderstood. he never would have done that. So, again someone else is chosen over me in moms eyes. How the hell can she not believe me. He is gone and still running her. she asks why I never told her before. Why wait so long. Hes been gone a year. wow. ok. I guess thats that........  thanks mom..

Then, I decide I should call family member and tell her about her boyfriend. nope not possible he is a god fearing man. He loves her  he would never touch a child. I must be so fucked up I made all this up for attention.....

Well alrighty then. anyone else want to dismiss me......

Uh yeah

ick

Work, as usual. I am always at work.....

Power was out most the day today which makes work worse of course

And now, I just feel sick, icky sick. Stomach achy, headache all of the general yuckies.

Just wanted to whine

work

Well shit, it's obviously my fault that a job came in and you have to go do it.
Couldnt possibly be anyone elses.

Sorry about that running the business shit I do...................